Just when I was about to give you another chance..

I read it over. She, with all her anger, with all her ego and I don't know what's on your mind. Just when I was about to give you another chance, to rebuild my trust, the same thing happens over and over again. Two days ago we're sitting on the same chair, sharing my thoughts, hoping you'll realize someday. Wishing that somewhere deep in your heart where the words of commitment once came, you know what's in my heart and you know what you're doing is even worse than him.

I almost believe you've realized it when I saw there was something different in the way you treat me yesterday, but I guess I'm hoping too much. It's all still the same. I don't know what you're planning. I don't know how things will go between us- you, me and her- coz it always be the same.

I'm tired. Say whatever you want to say, little girl. Do whatever you want to do with your ego. I don't care. Blame me for everything I don't even know. Publish everything I've done on your social networking, I don't care. The more you talk the more people know who you really are. One day you'll realize, you are not different than me. What makes us different are I keep my words, I'm not hiding, and I accept reality though it bites. I never want to run from reality. I face it.

I'm tired. Do whatever you want to do, my dear one. Keep her in your heart, I care no more. Stay in touch with her if it really makes you happy. Put me aside if you can never put her aside. I just want some piece of mind. I just want to heal my wound. I only want to cure all the scars you all've been given me. You know how much I love you, my dear one. You know how hard it is to fight for our dreams, but now, does it still really matter?

I have my dream, I keep it floating 5 cm in front of my fore head. I know everything will now be much easier after I get the job. I'll survive.

bimbang di titian rindu

entah apa yang harus ku percaya
apa yang ku lihat dan ku dengar
atau apa yang kurasakan..
semua terlalu bertentangan
tak ada yang sejalan..
apa yang kau katakan..
apa yang ku baca dan ku lihat
semua membaur dan mengabur..
terbitkan bimbang di titian rindu..
hingga akhirnya aku sadarkan diriku
terlalu sulit tuk menggapaimu..
harapkanmu berikan hatimu utuh..
mungkin hanya akan ada dalam imagi..
seperti selama ini..
dalam dunia imagi yang kitabagi..
mungkin tak kan pernah jadi nyata..
dan tak akan ada akhir yang indah..
seperti inginku..

bulan dan bintang malam ini

bulan tampak sangat sempurna malam ini
bulat kuning keemasan pancarkan indahnya
ditemani satu bintang terang yang setia
dampingi dengan sedikit sinar hangatnya
tapi langitku tetap kelabu
bahkan semakin memburam semu
tak ada sang bintang temaniku
hanya ada belati tajam berbentuk kata
menusuk hati yang sedang ku pulihkan
benar adanya hariku tengah diuji
sabarku dapatkan tempaan luka
semoga kan ada indah setelah perih
seperti indahnya malam ini
kala sang bulan
hanya di temani satu bintang..

gundah

aku mencoba bertahan pahami keadaan
namun tak semudah yang kukira
menahan semua rasa agar tak terucap
khawatir kata kan hanya jadi beban
aku mencoba berteman dengan waktu
berharap kan bisa kurangi kecewa
atau luka yang tlah terlalu sering mengiris
tapi tetap tak mudah..

rindu ini mencabik perlahan
meski ku coba tuk berlari
tapi rasa tak bisa sembunyi
ia tak pernah sedikitpun tertidur
rasa itu tetap ada..
semua cinta dan rindu
yang hanya untukmu..
tak sedikitpun pernah berubah..

walau kini tak lagi banyak kata yang ku ucap
pengharapan ataupun kerinduan..
semua tetap ada.. tersimpan dalam hati..
tanpa sanggup terucap..
aku ingin kau mengerti..
aku tlah mencoba..

teach me

Mom..
teach me how to survive..
through all the hurt I feel inside
teach me how to hide it..
teach me to be brave..
tell me how u didn't cry
on your weakest time
how could u didn't fall
when things got rough..
give me the secret
of your strength..
teach me how to be like you, Mom
who could still smiling
though your heart was aching..
how u could be so sincere
sharing the love one..
there never were any anger shown..
nor jealousy..
you're so tough that I wanna be like you..
you're the toughest woman I ever know
can I be like you.. as tough as you?
teach me, Mom
teach me how to be tough..
coz I feel so weak now..

gundah malam ini

ada takut yang menggantung
seperti mendung menghias langit
siap turunkan tetesan hujan
sayang air itu tlah lebih dulu menetes
dalam aba-abunya malam ini
namun bukan dari langit
ada saat yang terampas
dalam rentangan ruang dan waktu
dan kembali hanya bisa berandai
entah sampai kapan sanggup bertahan
berharap takut segera berlalu
tanpa harus merasa kehilangan..
waktu ternyata begitu berharga
setelah berlalu dalam detik..
dan waktu..
hanya itu yang kubutuhkan saat ini..

tak berbahasa

bahasa ku kini hanya sunyi tanpa kata
satu-satunya pengertianku hanya hening
kata yang ada kandas sebelum terucap
diam adalah cara yang ku tau saat ini
namun tetap tersenyum dalam diamku
senyum yang tak pernah akan ada yang tau
apa lah arti di balik semua itu..
setiap perih yang tersembunyi
semua tertelan di balik kata
di balik kata yang terlanjur hilang
tak pernah sedikitpun sempat terucap
sungguhpun ingin aku teriak
yang terdengar hanya lirih
lalu kemudian sepi kembali
bahasaku tinggal keheningan..

jealousy

berada dalam kebimbangan
dan selalu begini
entah apa yang sebenarnya kuinginkan
menjauh dari mu?
melepas semua cerita?
sanggupkah?
sering kali lelah hadapimu
tak mengerti akan sikapmu
aku diambang batas sabarku
tapi bukankah aku selalu begitu?
tuk kemudian tak berdaya
melemah dalam sorot matamu
dan terjatuh lagi dalam pelukmu
terjebak dengan rasa ku sendiri
berkubang dengan asa ku sendiri
tanpa kau pernah mengerti
dan hanya aku yang tenggelam
dan asa mu hanya dia..
aku hanya sebuah titik
tuk melepas sedikit lelah
temani hari yang kelam
tapi aku bukan tujuan..
tak mampu hapus kerinduanmu..
tidak kah kau tau
aku cemburu!!

segurat lelah

lelah.. dan sungguh sangat letih
hanya itu yang kini terasa
buat otakku buntu hatiku beku

ingin berlari menjauh sejenak
melepas resah yang tak bersudah
menggurat luka yang tlah tertoreh

berharap lepas sgala beban
tuk tak lagi pikirkanmu
lupakanmu dari ikatan nafasku

biar kutukan ini tetap tinggal
mengekang setiap langkahku
hingga akhirnya kembali sendiri..

another scratch

It happens again. What I predicted will happen, has happened again, over and over again. I should've used my brain instead of my heart. I know you'll let me down again. I know all this time you're just playing around in my ground and I shouldn't have let you in too deep. I felt like winning once, but now I know I'm loosing.
All the beautiful words you've said to me, maybe they're just another role in your play. All those yearnings, I guess they're only your trap to make it interesting. Who am I anyway to you? After all I'm just another someone who can be used and then be thrown away after finished.
But how come I still can forgive you, with all this ups and down?? I can easily forget all the time you've hurt me, But I can't easily forget all the happiness you've brought me.
Call me stupid, coz that's what I am now. So stupid to let you in to my playground and share my fantasy with you. I even let you in to my wonderland and allow you to stay there. Well, I'm to blame then.
I have to over come this. It's true that there's no such thing so called true love. It's only in dreams, a fantasy. In reality there's only asking and giving, selling and buying if you know what I mean..
Well, I guess I really have to keep my eyes open so I won't see you in my mind. I really have to erase you from every corner of my heart and my mind, coz you're not mine and will never be mine.